疏忽的創傷與假性獨立 (Neglect Trauma with Pseudo-Independence)

Updated: Nov 2, 2020

(English is after Chinese)

原生家庭帶給人的影響是一輩子的,有些人也許有意識到,能做些改變。但大部分的人,也許根本沒有意識到,更不要說,有改變的機會,今天我想分享我的故事。


從小,媽媽對我要求非常嚴格,訓練我獨立,一直不停的告訴我,自己的父親是如何的不負責任、不可靠;所以在我的信念裡,獨立是必要的,對人我也很沒有安全感。


印象中從國中、高中開始,我扮演的角色,一直都是照顧別人的那個人。從來,我也不覺得這樣有什麼不對勁,甚至引以為傲,覺得自己非常的獨立、自主,能幹,也不需要任何人,但真的是這樣嗎?


直到兩年多前,Andy Hahn老師在講解「疏忽模式」(Neglect Pattern)的創傷,我才驚覺自己有這樣的創傷,只是自己不曉得,因為這創傷被我埋的很深、很深,我也掩飾的很好;加上社會普遍的想法 - 適者生存,不適者淘汰;所以這創傷很難被發現。


我們都聽過「物極必反」,帶有「疏忽模式」創傷的人,1)要不非常依賴,2)要不獨立到,好像天塌下來,他/她也能有生存的方法,我就是後面這一種。


這種叫假性獨立、不願意表露自己的需求或否認自己的需要。有任何問題,只會自己尋找解決辦法,幾乎不尋求幫助。當我聽到假性獨立,我的思緒早已飄到過往的許多記憶……..。


同學把我帶回到原始創傷的場景,我站在小學福利社的走廊外,排着隊打公共電話給爸爸,我哭得非常傷心,而內心是非常抗拒打那個電話,但媽媽要我打,我不敢不打。小時候,我非常怕媽媽,只要不聽話,在我們那年代,被打罵都是很正常的事。


爸爸只會接我打的電話,記得,掛掉電話沒多久,爸爸馬上就衝到學校來看我。其餘的故事細節我不記得了。但讓我印象非常深刻的是,從小我最深愛的爸爸,在療癒的過程中,我竟然脫口說出,被我深藏並壓抑在內心底層的潛意識,連想沒想過的念頭。


我說:「都是你、全都是你的錯,我的感情會這麼不順利,都是因為你。我受了許多少傷、吃了多少苦,有多少委屈,你知道嗎?全都是因為你。我討厭你、我恨你!」當下眼淚早已模糊了我的視線,感受卻依然清晰,即便是現在。


那時我才驚覺,原來那個傷痛,被我隱藏得這麼好。可以想像,我花了多少時間?多少心力?做了多少關於父親的課題、感情議題,才擁有現在的幸福!一個我可以完全的信任老公,甚至願意把我的生命交給他!再也沒有小時候,被母親灌輸的那種對人的不信任與不安全感。我知道我有能力提供給自己安全感。


現在的我也能夠理解母親當時的行為背後的原因,她也有很多的委屈與痛苦,小時候的我,只覺得我的媽媽是虎媽………


原生家庭帶給我們許多功課,幸福就在那痛苦的背後,你願意去面對它、接受它、理解它、並放下它嗎?同時也讓自己的心自由!


這連結是另一個,我不需要任何人的療癒故事,現在回過頭看,當時都是自己騙自己。

https://www.smilingheartwellness.com/post/open-your-heart


現在的我已經不會,一個人獨自面對自己的情緒,而我的老公與女友們也是我最佳的聽眾。


還有真的不要以為小朋友都不懂,其實小朋友的能量很純淨,大人說的話,他們都靜靜地在聽、悄悄的在消化他/她們的情緒,只是沒有表現出來。


#SmilingHeartWellness #neglect pattern #neglect trauma

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The family where we grew up give a great impact for lifetime. Some people luckily may realize it and do something about it. But most people may not even know how bad it could traumatize you, not to mention to do something about it. Today I want to share my personal story.


When I was little, my mother had been very strict with me and trained me to be independent in every possible way. She kept telling me how irresponsible and unreliable my father was; therefore, I truly believed that I had to be very independent; at the same time I felt strong sense of insecurity and trusted nobody.


I always played the role like a mother taking care of others. I was even proud of myself of how independent and capable of I was. And I needed no one, but is that the truth?


Until about 2.5 years ago, Andy Hahn was explaining the trauma of "Neglect Pattern". I was shocked that I carried it but didn’t realize I had it. I buried this trauma so deeply and covered it well. Plus the society taught us “natural selection and survival of the fittest”, therefore the neglect trauma blended very well into my life.


We all know “things will turn into their opposites when they reach the extreme.” People who had neglect pattern either 1) become very dependent, 2) or become extremely independent. I acted like even the sky was falling, I still could find a way to survive. This is called “pseudo-independence”, unwilling to need or denial of need.


I barely asked help in my life and would find the solution by myself. When I heard “pseudo-independent”, my mind was wondering and drifting to some old memories…..


Heather, my classmate, took me back to a scene, where my trauma originated. I stood outside the corridor of the elementary school, lining up to make a public phone call to my father. I cried badly and reluctantly to make that phone call. My mother asked me to make that god damn phone call because she couldn’t reached my dad, but she knew who could. When I was little, I was so frightened of my mother. As long as I disobeyed her, it was quite normal to be beaten or blamed. We are all like that in our generation.


Right after I hung up, Dad rushed to the school to comfort me. I didn’t remember the rest of the story. But what surprised me deeply was what I said after I reexperience that scene. I couldn't image the words coming out my mouth, to someone who I loved so much and admired him as a hero. I said, "It's all your faults. It's because of you; I suffered so much in my life, my relationship….ect. Did you have any idea of how much I had been through? It’s all your faults. I hate you!!!”


Only then did I realize that the pain was so well hidden by me. Can you imagine how much time and effort I had spent on father-related issues, relationship, trust, in order to have the happiness I have now?


Now I can completely trust my husband and even with my whole life! I no longer have the issue of the sense of insecurity that was instilled by my mother when I was little. I know I have the power to offer myself the sense of security.


Also I can understand now why my mother behaved like that then. She also had a lot of resentment and pains. But when I was a child, I only felt tortures, nothing more...


The family we grow up bring us a lot of homework that take our whole lives to do it. And the happiness is just right behind the pain. Are you willing to face it, accept it, understand it, and then let go and set it free? And set you free too.


Here is another healing story, related my independence…

https://www.smilingheartwellness.com/post/open-your-heart


I no longer face my difficulties alone; I know I have my life partner and girlfriends are my best listeners.


One more thing, please don’t think the children are little and they don't understand what you said. In fact, children’s energy is pure, they can sense and understand what the adults say. They are just listening quietly and digesting their emotions alone without showing it.

77 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All