Neglect Trauma with Pseudo-Independence

Updated: Dec 28, 2021



The family where we grew up give a great impact for lifetime. Some people luckily may realize it and do something about it. But most people may not even know how bad it could traumatize you, not to mention to do something about it. Today I want to share my personal story.


When I was little, my mother had been very strict with me and trained me to be independent in every possible way. She kept telling me how irresponsible and unreliable my father was; therefore, I truly believed that I had to be very independent; at the same time I felt strong sense of insecurity and trusted nobody.


I always played the role like a mother taking care of others. I was even proud of myself of how independent and capable of I was. And I needed no one, but is that the truth?


Until about 2.5 years ago, Andy Hahn was explaining the trauma of "Neglect Pattern". I was shocked that I carried it but didn’t realize I had it. I buried this trauma so deeply and covered it well. Plus the society taught us “natural selection and survival of the fittest”, therefore the neglect trauma blended very well into my life.


We all know “things will turn into their opposites when they reach the extreme.” People who had neglect pattern either 1) become very dependent, 2) or become extremely independent. I acted like even the sky was falling, I still could find a way to survive. This is called “pseudo-independence”, unwilling to need or denial of need.


I barely asked help in my life and would find the solution by myself. When I heard “pseudo-independent”, my mind was wondering and drifting to some old memories…..


Heather, my classmate, took me back to a scene, where my trauma originated. I stood outside the corridor of the elementary school, lining up to make a public phone call to my father. I cried badly and reluctantly to make that phone call. My mother asked me to make that god damn phone call because she couldn’t reached my dad, but she knew who could. When I was little, I was so frightened of my mother. As long as I disobeyed her, it was quite normal to be beaten or blamed. We are all like that in our generation.


Right after I hung up, Dad rushed to the school to comfort me. I didn’t remember the rest of the story. But what surprised me deeply was what I said after I reexperience that scene. I couldn't image the words coming out my mouth, to someone who I loved so much and admired him as a hero. I said, "It's all your faults. It's because of you; I suffered so much in my life, my relationship….ect. Did you have any idea of how much I had been through? It’s all your faults. I hate you!!!”


Only then did I realize that the pain was so well hidden by me. Can you imagine how much time and effort I had spent on father-related issues, relationship, trust, in order to have the happiness I have now?


Now I can completely trust my husband and even with my whole life! I no longer have the issue of the sense of insecurity that was instilled by my mother when I was little. I know I have the power to offer myself the sense of security.


Also I can understand now why my mother behaved like that then. She also had a lot of resentment and pains. But when I was a child, I only felt tortures, nothing more...


The family we grow up bring us a lot of homework that take our whole lives to do it. And the happiness is just right behind the pain. Are you willing to face it, accept it, understand it, and then let go and set it free? And set you free too.


Here is another healing story, related my independence…

https://www.smilingheartwellness.com/post/open-your-heart


I no longer face my difficulties alone; I know I have my life partner and girlfriends are my best listeners.


One more thing, please don’t think the children are little and they don't understand what you said. In fact, children’s energy is pure, they can sense and understand what the adults say. They are just listening quietly and digesting their emotions alone without showing it.


#SmilingHeartWellness #neglect pattern #neglect trauma

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