Why Can't I Love You? 為什麼我無法去愛?


(Chinese is underneath)

We all want to be able to love someone and be loved in return. Victoria (anonym) felt she has hard time to commit a relationship and tends to have negative feeling instead of positive one when it comes to her boyfriend's behavior, even deep down she knows his intention is good. She can't feel his love. These paradox feeling ( she knows he loves her but she can't feel it) almost drives her crazy.

When she came to me we found she got a "Block Identify Pattern"- it occurs in response to a trauma which causes fear of annihilation of her true self. She chose to cover her true self with an Obscuring Identity to protect herself. Obscuring Identity begins to operate automatically and also limits the awareness and expression of her true self. It's the best choice she could make at that time and she forgot she made that decision. That's why she is unaware on a conscious level that she can now make different choices which may serve her better.

She said"Everyone leaves me eventually; I can trust or depend on no one, including my parents. I can’t trust my parents, who are never really in my life. They never said I am special nor are proud of me. I never feel loved by them. I couldn’t connect with my boyfriend in any aspect."

Subconsciously she constantly made the decision of leaving the love one(s) first before they leave her, so she could prepare for it. Most importantly it's HER decision. She unconsciously makes the choice of pushing people away and thinks it's the best choice she could make to protect her with less pain. She wouldn't feel her life been destroyed by somebody either because it's her choice and she left first. Is that really true? This choice also limits her of fully loving somebody and being fully present in the relationship because she always focus on the future that she has no control of. She can’t open her heart either. She always tests, suspects and guesses "when the love one is going to leave her". She comes to realize if she keeps doing this - she can’t fully experience love or has a healthy relationship. Here are all her insights during the sessions.

After this session she understands why she behaves this way and knows what to do in the futures. It takes time to digest all the emotions and thoughts. At least she is no longer trapped in the old pattern and she could make a different choice now.


I'm so pride of you, girl!!! And you're very special to me!


我們都希望能夠愛人並被愛,維多利亞(匿名)覺得她很難承諾一段關係。她明知男友真心愛他,但對於他的行為,她看到、感受到的通常都是負面的那一面,而不是正面、積極的那面。即便內心深處她都知道他的好、出發點是愛她的,但她卻無法改變她的感覺。這矛盾的感受(知道他愛她,但她感受不到,或是感受到不舒服的那面)深深困擾著她。


在過程中我們發現在這議題上她有 “被障礙的本體認同模式" (Block Identify Pattern) - 也就是說這個人經歷創傷時,她選擇用"模糊本體"來保護自己並掩視真實的自我,以免受現實中或是她認為會讓她消減/受傷的威脅。那是她當時所能做出的最佳選擇,同時限制這個人的覺察能力和表達真實的自我。模糊本體會自動運作,且她忘記曾經做過這樣選擇,所以無法在意識到層面覺察到現在她可以重新做選擇且真實的表達自我!


她說:「每個人最後都會離開我,我無法信任或依靠任何人,即便是我的父母。我無法信任我的父母親;他們也很少在我的生活裡。我的父母從沒說過或覺得 "我很特別",或為我感到驕傲。我從來沒有感受到足夠的愛或覺得被愛。我也沒有辦法與我男友有任何連結。


於是在關係裡,她都會是那一個先決定分手、離開的那位。她覺得男友的種種行為無法符合她的期待,而她也盡全力了。她並沒有發現她這樣的行為模式是她潛意識裡保護自己的一種防衛機制。她決定先分手 (選擇在別人離開前先離開 ),所以她可以預先替她的心理做準備,她痛苦感也會減輕一些,而且這是「她的決定」,也不會有那種被別人摧毀她生活的感覺。 這樣的防衛機制同時也限制了她:無法全心地去愛一個人,無法充分的活在當下去感受愛。她的焦點總是放在未來,而未來偏偏是她無法掌控的。她無法打開心房,總是懷疑、猜測 "對方何時會離開她"。她終於意識到如果她繼續這樣下去,這一輩子她將無法體驗愛並擁有一段健康的關係。 這段全都是在療程裡她的體悟!


好深刻的感受啊!療程後,維多利亞理解為什麼她會有這樣的行為模式,同也也知道日後應該怎麼做對她才是比較好的選擇。當然她需要一段時間來消化這些情緒,至少此後她不必再受困在舊有的行為模式裡,而是能勇敢的跳脫出來為自己創造出不同的未來!


真心替你感到開心與驕傲,在我眼裡你是一位很獨特且與眾不同的女孩!

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